After experiencing a few really state-of-the-art toilet seats in Asia I am determined to figure out how to get one installed. Why can they put electrical outlets near toilets for Christ's sake?
The lack of outlets near American toilets is the single biggest scandal in domestic infrastructure. Somebody is protecting the cold-seat lobby and nobody's investigating.
IMHO, building codes are made for people who plan to live forever.
I think an extension cord from the garage running through the bathroom window would do the trick.
I stopped wearing a "smart" watch because of all of the angst it was causing me looking at it hour by hour to see if I was normal..at 84 ..nothing will ever be normal again..
I stopped wearing mine because whenever I’d go on a rant about something, it would pipe up and tell me that intervention hotlines were available. Really.
Ah - the vast difference between a creepy still-warm 🍑 toilet seat
and an intentionally electrically heated seat… 👑. Careful what you wish for!
Math problem: I recently had to replace a cheap plain toilet seat. I spent half an hour trying to remove the broken lid off the old one, hoping that it could become a Shrek style Christmas wreath! I know there’s one in the “Shrek the Halls” movie bc I bought the DVD. 🎄
Another half an hour spent trying to find that image online. (Nope) My favorite scene is when Fiona belches on deadly red & white coral snakes who in their rigor mortis stiffen into ‘candy canes’ which would be so great on the ‘wreath’ which really should be sprayed dark green.
Solve for: Does this qualify me as an honorary oldmanosphere mascot before I succeed in getting the lid off? I’m only a couple hours into this with zero to show for it…
222 days until Christmas
PS My friend got a new car and mischievously turned on the seat heater saying nothing. My first thought was “oh god - there goes the bladder”.
I, personally, have not been anywhere even close to the manosphere since 1982, but I know funny when I hear it, and still recognize truth. @Terry Freedman would call this post "chortlesome" and he would be right. Some of these lines had me howling...
"The Simp is a man so hollowed out by femininity that he has at some point held a purse for somebody."
"This is presented as a solution, though I suspect it helps the women only."
"They want to be High-Value Males; we want to leave the house with our fly up. "
"...getting out of bed now requires its own warm-up. Sometimes the warm-up is enough exercise for the day and we get back in."
"The young men in the manosphere would diagnose me as terminally beta. They are correct, and I do not care."
You've done it again: coffee through the nostrils and now I've got Coffee in the Keyboard Syndrome.
I've been following the lifeline of one of my favorite Sixties musicians lately. Why? I don't know. The intense urge just came over to me in a dream and consumed my attention for two whole weeks. Well, this once skinny kid with a guitar is still rocking it in his Seventies. In one video, there he was, his corpulent body concealed in black sweatshirt and pants - so he'd never have to worry about his fly - and wearing huge, WHITE SNEAKERS. The Old Man uniform you've described. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but his voice was still good. That wild energy of his is still kickin'.
Laughing as I read this, because at 81, with a close to 80 husband, this is our life. Most days we laugh about it, and some days it just isn’t funny, is it? I guess it’s a matter of degrees of pain. Lol.
That may be the entire Oldmanosphere curriculum right there: laugh when possible, swear when necessary, and never fully trust a body part that worked fine yesterday.
You and your husband are clearly advanced-degree candidates. I’m still in the introductory course, but my back is assigning homework.
I would rather be damaged by the ravages of age resulting from a life well lived, than inhabiting the manosphere populated by dumbshits afraid of self awareness and intimidated by accepting responsibility.
The lucky ones call it wisdom. The others start a podcast about testosterone.
I do wonder how many of these guys will still be living in their parents’ basements five years from now, explaining dominance hierarchies into a ring light while their mom asks if they want more pizza rolls.
Meanwhile, my SI joint has already achieved self-awareness.
What a great read, Thank You. Looking forward to the next chapter!
Thank you very much for the generous compliment.
I've added another year to your free subscription.
There is more Old Guy inanity coming your way........
You have shown me where I belong. The Oldmanosphere. Thank you. I feel better now. Think I'll take a nap.
I’m feeling kinda nappish myself now.
Hey, I just woke up and the nap is sounding pretty good right about now.
Thanks for reading.
There is no higher achievement than to leave a reader howling.
Awoooooo! 🐺
“This is normal for your age." That's why I quit going to the doctor.
Doctor, smartwatch, bathroom scale — the geezer program is mostly figuring out which scorekeepers to fire.
Thanks for reading.
After experiencing a few really state-of-the-art toilet seats in Asia I am determined to figure out how to get one installed. Why can they put electrical outlets near toilets for Christ's sake?
Ah, throw a GFCI there and you’re golden. No zapped balls.
"No zapped balls" was the right call at 30. At our age the jolt might be a feature.
Either way, you have been hired as the AAMW electrical consultant.
A building code sets a minimum standard. And a minimum standard? That means you’re getting the worst house allowable by law.
The lack of outlets near American toilets is the single biggest scandal in domestic infrastructure. Somebody is protecting the cold-seat lobby and nobody's investigating.
IMHO, building codes are made for people who plan to live forever.
I think an extension cord from the garage running through the bathroom window would do the trick.
Thank you for reading.
I stopped wearing a "smart" watch because of all of the angst it was causing me looking at it hour by hour to see if I was normal..at 84 ..nothing will ever be normal again..
I stopped wearing mine because whenever I’d go on a rant about something, it would pipe up and tell me that intervention hotlines were available. Really.
Let that be fair warning to every device out there!
Do NOT get between a geezer and his rant-of-the-day.
A perfect example of Geezer-math: addition by subtraction.
What's next? Anyone who askes how you're sleeping?
This is gold. I'm on the steep part of the curve. I hope it flattens out.
GOLD you say!
Are you Kenny Banyan (from Seinfeld show) by any chance.
The news, not sure if it's good or bad, is that everything eventually "flattens out."
Thanks for reading.
Toilet seats
Ah - the vast difference between a creepy still-warm 🍑 toilet seat
and an intentionally electrically heated seat… 👑. Careful what you wish for!
Math problem: I recently had to replace a cheap plain toilet seat. I spent half an hour trying to remove the broken lid off the old one, hoping that it could become a Shrek style Christmas wreath! I know there’s one in the “Shrek the Halls” movie bc I bought the DVD. 🎄
Another half an hour spent trying to find that image online. (Nope) My favorite scene is when Fiona belches on deadly red & white coral snakes who in their rigor mortis stiffen into ‘candy canes’ which would be so great on the ‘wreath’ which really should be sprayed dark green.
Solve for: Does this qualify me as an honorary oldmanosphere mascot before I succeed in getting the lid off? I’m only a couple hours into this with zero to show for it…
222 days until Christmas
PS My friend got a new car and mischievously turned on the seat heater saying nothing. My first thought was “oh god - there goes the bladder”.
Mascot application APPROVED.
Though I suspect you're way over-qualified. Working on a toilet seat wreath 222 days from X-mas makes you a very special mascot.
What's your outfit gonna be?
As an ol’ geezer one sneeze away from total paralysis, let me just say if you don’t have a Toto heated bidet seat on your crapper you’re an idiot.
Toto needs a Geezer Line and you're the spokesman. Heated seat, grab bar, emergency call button. Tagline writes itself:
"Don't be an idiot."
Thanks for sharing!
Or “Even an asshole’s asshole deserves some love.”
Hmm, that sounded better in my head. 😂
Let’s stick with “Don’t be an idiot.”
It's taken me 60 years to learn "that sounded better in my head."
'Mad Magazine's Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions:'
...............a blessing AND a curse.
Can’t put that in a rental. Yet I will never dispute being an idiot.
I, personally, have not been anywhere even close to the manosphere since 1982, but I know funny when I hear it, and still recognize truth. @Terry Freedman would call this post "chortlesome" and he would be right. Some of these lines had me howling...
"The Simp is a man so hollowed out by femininity that he has at some point held a purse for somebody."
"This is presented as a solution, though I suspect it helps the women only."
"They want to be High-Value Males; we want to leave the house with our fly up. "
"...getting out of bed now requires its own warm-up. Sometimes the warm-up is enough exercise for the day and we get back in."
"The young men in the manosphere would diagnose me as terminally beta. They are correct, and I do not care."
You've done it again: coffee through the nostrils and now I've got Coffee in the Keyboard Syndrome.
I've been following the lifeline of one of my favorite Sixties musicians lately. Why? I don't know. The intense urge just came over to me in a dream and consumed my attention for two whole weeks. Well, this once skinny kid with a guitar is still rocking it in his Seventies. In one video, there he was, his corpulent body concealed in black sweatshirt and pants - so he'd never have to worry about his fly - and wearing huge, WHITE SNEAKERS. The Old Man uniform you've described. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, but his voice was still good. That wild energy of his is still kickin'.
There can be no higher honor than to have a syndrome named after the impact on you from my humor writing.
'Coffee in the Keyboard Syndrome.'
I humbly accept.
You're only 68? Reading all of this I was under the impression your were old. I do enjoy your take.
Some days I FEEL 88. Does that count?
Thanks for reading.
ha ha ha! Me, too! You'll have to rewrite this essay when you are 82, Mike, and see how it has changed...
Laughing as I read this, because at 81, with a close to 80 husband, this is our life. Most days we laugh about it, and some days it just isn’t funny, is it? I guess it’s a matter of degrees of pain. Lol.
That may be the entire Oldmanosphere curriculum right there: laugh when possible, swear when necessary, and never fully trust a body part that worked fine yesterday.
You and your husband are clearly advanced-degree candidates. I’m still in the introductory course, but my back is assigning homework.
Thank you again for reading and sharing.
Never trust a fart
Thank you for your humor. I greatly appreciate it.
Music to my ears......you're very welcome.
60 here. Ain’t it the truth!
Thank you for reading.
OMG! Nailed it!
Thank you for reading.
I would rather be damaged by the ravages of age resulting from a life well lived, than inhabiting the manosphere populated by dumbshits afraid of self awareness and intimidated by accepting responsibility.
At some point life beats the cosplay out of us.
The lucky ones call it wisdom. The others start a podcast about testosterone.
I do wonder how many of these guys will still be living in their parents’ basements five years from now, explaining dominance hierarchies into a ring light while their mom asks if they want more pizza rolls.
Meanwhile, my SI joint has already achieved self-awareness.